Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.

Jokes are generally honest. Complete solemnity is always dishonest.

Modern man is staggering and losing his balance because he is being pelted with little pieces of alleged fact which are native to the newspapers; and, if they turn out not to be facts, that is still more native to newspapers.

The most dangerous criminal now is the entirely lawless modern philosopher. Compared to him, burglars and bigamists are essentially moral men.

Whatever else may be said of man, this one thing is clear: He is not what he is capable of being.

A man must be orthodox upon most things, or he will never even have time to preach his own heresy.

Journalism largely consists of saying 'Lord Jones is Dead' to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.