In America, the race goes to the loud, the solemn, the hustler. If you think you're a great writer, you must say that you are.

I write in the morning at a table, longhand on yellow legal pads, just like Nixon, when I’m doing fiction.

Although drugs are immoral and must be kept from the young, thousands of schools pressure parents to give the drug Ritalin to any lively child who may, sensibly, show signs of boredom in his classroom. Ritalin renders the child docile if not comatose. Side effects? "Stunted growth, facial tics, agitation and aggression, insomnia, appetite loss, headaches, stomach pains and seizures." Marijuana would be far less harmful.

The Americans only like things they can label, even if it kills them. Think of those poor Latin American writers. Some of them are very good. But the "magical realism" label has absolutely ruined them. The critics are like tourists who return from a trip saying they've "done" Machu Picchu: "Okay, we've done magical realism," so now we can throw it out.

Christianity is such a silly religion.

Astronauts: rotarians in outer space.

Envy is the central fact of American life.