All I ask is equal freedom. When it is denied, as it always is, I take it anyhow.

As long as you represent me as praising alcohol I shall not complain. It is, I believe, the greatest of human inventions, and by far - much greater than Hell, the radio or the bichloride tablet.

Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull

I give you Chicago. It is not London and Harvard. It is not Paris and buttermilk. It is American in every chitling and sparerib. It is alive from snout to tail.

Nothing is so abject and pathetic as a politician who has lost his job, save only a retired stud-horse.

[Referring to FDR] If he became convinced tomorrow that coming out for cannibalism would get him the votes he needs so sorely, he would begin fattening a missionary in the White House yard come Wednesday.

There's really no point to voting. If it made any difference, it would probably be illegal.