I couldn't see well enough to play (baseball) when I was a boy, so they gave me a special job - they made me an umpire.

The Republicans believe in the minimum wage -- the more the minimum, the better.

I consider Monroe a pretty minor president. In spite of the Monroe Doctrine. That's the only important thing he ever did more or less on his own, when you really get down to it.

Partisanship must end at the waters edge.

When the Liberals said they were going to create a million new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

The newcomers quickly learned their way about and soon felt at home. The Homestead Act of 1862 provided them, as well as many other pioneers, with an opportunity to acquire land and establish family farms. To the land-hungry immigrants, the tough prairie sod seemed a golden opportunity and they conquered it by hard work.

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.