She lay in the dark and knew everything.

She loved him, though not at this particular moment.

I would rather be physically disabled obviously than mentally. I would rather be paraplegic than nuts. And it is a terrifying prospect and actually the longer we live the more likely it is that that's how we will go and that's a very painful thing to contemplate.

was it possible that i was, in the modern term, in denial?

No one knows anything, really. It's all rented, or borrowed.

Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destory?

She wanted to leave, she wanted to lie alone face down on her bed and savor the vile piquancy of the moment, and go back down the lines of branching consequences to the point before the destruction began. She needed to contemplate with eyes closed the full richness of what she had lost, what she had given away, and to anticipate the new regime.