Money always ends up making you blue.

Almost every time somebody gives me a present, it ends up making me sad.

I said old Jesus probably would've puked if He could see it - all those fancy costumes and all. Sally said I was a sacrilegious atheist. I probably am. The thing Jesus really would've liked would be the guy who plays the kettle drums in the orchestra.

I like to be somewhere at least where you can see a few girls around once in a while, even if they're only scratching their arms or blowing their noses or even just giggling or something.

I hate actors. They never act like people. They just think they do

But I was afraid of the questions (much more than the accusations) you might both put to me.

Listen, if you're not going to be a nun or something, you might as well laugh.