Make sure you marry someone who laughs at the same things you do.

I have so much I want to tell you, and nowhere to begin.

Almost every time somebody gives me a present, it ends up making me sad.

I said old Jesus probably would've puked if He could see it - all those fancy costumes and all. Sally said I was a sacrilegious atheist. I probably am. The thing Jesus really would've liked would be the guy who plays the kettle drums in the orchestra.

I am always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.

The catcher in the rye... that's all I really want to be.

He was one of those guys that think they're being a pansy if they don't break around forty of your fingers when they shake hands with you. God I hate that stuff.