People who speak in metaphors should shampoo my crotch.

I would never say, "I'm retired." I believe if I decided to just not work, in six months everybody would just forget whether you were working or not.

The way I reacted to 9/11 was I decided I didn't want to do any movies that are sad or critical. I decided I didn't want to make my living depressing people or making them go home sick, so I just decided I wanted to do comedy for a while and study it for a while. It doesn't mean everybody should do that, but that was my reaction.

One of my school friends' parents owned a minigolf course, and a bunch of us kids would play there all day in the summer. Two-under deuces was a good score.

I mean, it's real hard to be free when you are bought and sold in the marketplace.

Everyone pretty much acknowledges that he's the man, and I still feel that underrates him.

Women are sort of like motorcycle gangs with me. They get really shy and polite. I don't know why.