Never make enemies of anyone younger or healthier than you are. They write your history.

Most people are far more concerned that they can control their own bodies than they are about petitioning Congress.

Patriotism is being convinced your country is better because you were born in it.

Catholic extremism should be resisted as fiercely at home as we oppose the Taliban abroad.

Know your load. That's rule numero uno in this business, which is why I make them count the penguins out in front of me one at a time. I'm not going to be the schmuck who shows up in Orlando twobirds short of a dinner party....I know I'm pulling out of Houston with exactly forty-two Gentoo penguins, seventeen Jamaican land iguanas, four tuataras from New Zealand, and a pair of rare, civet-like mammals called linsangs. No more, no less.

I am grateful that I have rights in the proverbial public square - but, as a practical matter, my most cherished rights are those that I possess in my bedroom and hospital room and death chamber.

Always warm up the audience with a joke....If you are not a particularly funny person, make sure that you inform them that it's a joke.