That was the funniest thing I'd heard in days. You're kidding, right? PLEASE tell me you have a stronger motive for me than 'fair is fair.' Life isn't FAIR, Dean....Nothing is fair, EVER. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I need to help you because FAIR IS FAIR? Try, 'I need you to help me so I won't rip out your spine and beat you with it.' I MIGHT respond to that. MAYBE.

WARNING If you dare to read this story, you become part of the Experiment

Sometimes when you're at your most certain, that's when everything you know is wrong.

And Max, I've put some scraps in a bowl for your dog," Mom said. "It's on the floor, by the back door." The flock and I went still. Uh-oh, I thought. Total stomped up to me, his glare accusing. "A bowl on the floor!" he seethed. "Why don't you just chain me to a stake in the yard and throw me a bone!

Yes, I sounded like a pathetic weenie. I prefer to think of it as showing my softer side.

Yes," I said. "My name is seven-five-nine-nine-three-nine-ex-dash-one. Junior.

So the first thing we're gonna do," I told him, "is push you off the roof.