[Newlyweds,] these optimistic young bastards, promise to honor and cherish each other through hot flashes and mid-life crises and a cumulative 50-pound weight gain, until that far-off day when one of them is finally able to rest in peace. You know, because they can't hear the snoring anymore.

Women tell stories; men want answers. Guys get impatient when we drone on forever; we get frustrated when they tune out.

I don't care how handsome or fabulous or funny the groom is, or how sweet and accommodating the bride, or vice versa. Marriage is hard.

If you had asked me when I was 28 and in my wedding dress if I ever thought I would end up in my forties flipping my husband the bird over potato chips, I'd say you were crazy.

Merely watching a romantic comedy causes relationship satisfaction to plummet. Apparently, the bitter realization that maybe it could happen to us, but it obviously hasn't and it probably never will, makes our lives seem unbearably grim in comparison.

Divorce is contagious. That's right - when you have a close couple friend split up, it increases your chances of getting a divorce by 75 percent.

Women, we care a great deal about being thin and good looking, whereas men mostly care about sex - ideally with women who are thinner and better looking than they are.