You killed my dog! Get your affairs in order.

God isn't about making good things happen to you, or bad things happen to you. He's all about you making choices--exercising the gift of free will. God wants you to have good things and a good life, but He won't gift wrap them for you. You have to choose the actions that lead you to that life.

You don’t have to run faster than the bear to get away. You just have to run faster than the guy next to you.

You predicted quick victory. Now it’s going to get hopelessly complicated. Jesus, don’t you know any better than that by now?

If you can't manage courtesy, try silence.

I guess maybe you don’t get to be the Merlin of the White Council by saving up frequent-flier miles

Laughter is good for you. Nine out of ten stand-up comedians recommend laughter in the face of intense stupidity.