One of the greatest pleasures I get from my measly professional career is confusing people. "Wait - he beats women and seems like a Nazi, but he has impeccable grammar and keen reasoning skills and sings country music and can, from time to time, say or do something really funny?" It absolutely doesn't compute for them. I enjoy that immensely.

If anything, I've probably tended more toward humor in my writing and veered more toward pleasure in my personal life.

I'm arrogant enough to tell you that I'm smart enough to have scored higher on my Scholastic Aptitude Test than any US president whose SAT score has been made public. I even scored higher than ex-presidential candidate Al Gore, whose SAT score was so high, it was deemed as potentially off-putting to voters.

When I see two women kissing, my only physical reaction is a strong desire to vomit in both of their mouths.

The criticism that has most consistently bothered me is the allegation that I'm a schlockmeister whose only objective is to shock people.

I write to please myself.

It was simultaneously refreshing and a bit shocking to see how cavalierly most Aussies toss out slurs and insults about nonwhites.