Arizona just became the 15th state to approve medical marijuana. So I give it three days before they stop caring about the whole immigration thing.

You're sitting there, with your wife and your baby and your smiling dog, and you're watching Real Housewives getting into fistfights on TV. And you go, 'How great is my life? I'm so happy right now.'

Hillary Clinton was actually inducted into the Irish American Hall of Fame yesterday. Hillary said she's very proud of her Irish heritage or her Italian heritage or her Asian heritage. Whatever it takes to seal the deal with you guys. I've got to get into that Oval Office.

The Senate has passed a new bill that requires TV stations to lower the volume level on commercials. This is great, a hundred of the most powerful people in the nation have managed to do the same thing my remote does.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Ohio Governor John Kasich became the 16th Republican to announce that he is running for president. During his speech he referred to Jesus Christ, which is ironic because so did Americans when they heard another Republican was running for president.

Listening is more important than talking.