It's something I worry about when I'm working out. I don't want to get too fit. Because I don't want the new DaVinci of this Millennium to say, "You. I have found my muse. I have to sculpt you."

After Donald Trump wrote Lindsey Graham's cellphone number on a piece of paper and showed it to everybody, Graham said he's getting a new phone. Which explains Lindsey Graham's latest campaign slogan, 'New phone, who dis?'

The White House announced that it has rejected several petitions to legalize marijuana. They say it has nothing to do with politics. It's just that they can't accept a petition that was written on a crumpled up Funyuns bag.

After Michael Jordan recently criticized President Obama's golf game, Obama responded by saying that Jordan should spend more time thinking about his basketball team, the Charlotte Hornets. Then Jordan said, 'Do you really want to talk about whose team got crushed this week?'

Arizona Senator John McCain announced that he plans on running for a sixth term because he is concerned about the nation's security. He plans to help just like any other 80-year-old: by sitting on his porch with a police scanner.

Today is 11/11/11, a date so simple even Rick Perry can remember it.

Now that the midterm elections are over, President Obama has invited congressional leaders from both parties to a meeting at the White House tomorrow. When asked if he's nervous, Obama said, 'Oh, I'm not going to be there. I just invited them over. They can figure it out themselves.'