The Senate has passed a new bill that requires TV stations to lower the volume level on commercials. This is great, a hundred of the most powerful people in the nation have managed to do the same thing my remote does.

Thank you... adjustable baseball caps with no logo on the front and mesh netting in the back, for being a great way to say, 'Hi, I'm over 80 years old.'

At a recent education summit, President Obama admitted that he can't rap. When they heard, Americans said, 'Good!'

When you were a kid, it [work in IBM] seemed like an awesome job. I'd get to go to work and have a briefcase. I loved how Dad wore a tie and got a car. I didn't know if all those things came together. I'd see my dad go off to work and we'd wait for him to come home, and we'd all be excited to see him.

During the CPAC conference, Rand Paul told the crowd it was time for a new president and that people need to help make the change. Of course, most people agreed with him, since that's how term limits work.

I got every Dan Shaughnessy book known to man.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's publicist told USA Today that the actor has not ruled out running for governor of California, saying that he will make a decision soon. Reportedly Arnold needs that time to learn how to pronounce 'gubernatorial.'