The Senate has passed a new bill that requires TV stations to lower the volume level on commercials. This is great, a hundred of the most powerful people in the nation have managed to do the same thing my remote does.

Thank you 'adults who wear back packs' for letting me know that I don't have to take you seriously

One of the candidates at the early GOP debate, George Pataki, said his routine before every debate is to drink a diet lemon Snapple iced tea and pray. Which is also the advice Chris Christie gets from his doctor.

Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is expected to announce tomorrow that he is running for president, making him Hillary Clinton's only Democratic challenger so far. Or as Hillary put it, 'Oooo, appetizers!'

People ask me, Jimmy, howd you get here tonight. Lets just say it involved a two-hour make-out session with Elaine Stritch. It got pretty heavy actually, I almost had to host.

In a recent interview, John McCain addressed Trump's campaign rally in Arizona and said that he just quote, 'fired up the crazies.' Not to be confused with Trump's show 'Celebrity Apprentice,' where he just FIRED the crazies.

John McCain responded to critics who say he's too old for a sixth term by saying that his mother is 103 years old and doing well. The crazy thing is that even she is somehow younger than John McCain.