If people want to see you, they'll find you. If they don't see you on TV, they'll find you on the Internet.

A new survey out says 64 percent of Americans own a smartphone. Which is interesting because in a related survey, 100 percent of smart phones say they own an American.

A top aide to Donald Trump says he quit the campaign this weekend because of Trump's public feuds, but Trump said he was fired. When asked what he was fired for, Trump said, 'Quitting!'

Rand Paul is officially running for president. He even revealed his campaign slogan, which is 'Defeat the Washington machine. Unleash the American dream.' It's hard to tell if he's running for president or doing an infomercial for Bowflex.

BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that's ruining the ocean.

I got my shot at the movies. I love doing standup live. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I wanted to try movies, so I gave it a shot. I had two shots and I didn't really do it. That wasn't really happening for me. On the second movie I got to meet the girl that would be my wife. So I got to hang out with her and get engaged, and get the whole wedding thing. It was really great.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'