Today is the midterm elections. The Washington Post is predicting that there's a 98 percent chance of the Republicans taking the Senate and The New York Times says there's a 75 percent chance. And CNN said, 'Wait, that's today?'

Thank you... preseason football, for having all the excitement, commercials, and time-outs of the regular season, but with none of the mattering. I appreciate it. Thank you.

Today is Earth Day. Environmentalists spent the day drawing attention to the Earth, while the Earth just spent the day checking Facebook to see which planets wished it a happy Earth Day.

Ten Delta Airlines baggage handlers were arrested for smuggling drugs into Detroit. Yeah, you can tell Delta was involved, because the drugs were supposed to be smuggled into Chicago.

I can't believe there are so many people who aren't us.

My dream was to grow up and get a job at IBM, like my dad. That seemed like a logical dream.

Republican Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president in 2016. So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America.