President Obama is getting a new limousine that will have advanced night-vision capabilities. The technology even has a cool name ... headlights.

While he was in Utah, Obama discussed immigration reform with leaders of the Mormon Church. Obama introduced the first lady. Then the church's president introduced HIS first lady. And his second lady. And his third, fourth, and fifth ladies.

President Obama spent Election Day away from any press coverage, attending closed-door meetings inside the White House. But on the bright side, it is nice to see some doors actually closed at the White House. It's a whole new Secret Service security thing.

I can't believe there are so many people who aren't us.

After months of negotiations, Iran has finally agreed to reduce its nuclear weapons program. Which was great until Putin showed up and said, 'Hi, I'm here about Craigslist ad for nukes.'

[Writing a joke] there is no team of writers. It's just you in an office, staring at yourself in the mirror.

I had a gun and I had to run and shoot, which is not easy.