President Obama said that if he could have any superpower, he'd want the ability to speak any language. That's so everyone in the world could tell him he picked one of the lamest possible superpowers.

You've never had a job that you thought was secure. You don't think the Tonight Show is risk free. Especially when you saw what happened with your buddy Conan O'Brien. There is always a Plan B.I am ready to apply to the post office.

Joe Biden was spotted with a bruise on his face that was apparently caused by his dog. I guess they collided when they both went after the same tennis ball.

It's Friday. That's one reason to celebrate. Also, it's the first day in a long time when no one declared they're running for president.

I never sing in the shower. It's very dangerous.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.