The White House announced that it has rejected several petitions to legalize marijuana. They say it has nothing to do with politics. It's just that they can't accept a petition that was written on a crumpled up Funyuns bag.

When I was a kid, you would tune in to "The Tonight Show" before you went to sleep. Johnny Carson. A big treat. I know it's a privilege of mine to be able to be in people's homes. So I hope I make everyone proud, including my parents, and do a good job in this.

Ten Delta Airlines baggage handlers were arrested for smuggling drugs into Detroit. Yeah, you can tell Delta was involved, because the drugs were supposed to be smuggled into Chicago.

Fifteen states across the country have gas prices that have dipped below $2. That means it's now cheaper to buy a gallon of liquefied dinosaurs than one cup of coffee at Starbucks.

In a speech in Texas, Donald Trump called Hillary Clinton 'easily the worst Secretary of State in the history of our country.' When asked what he based that on, Trump said, 'I heard ME say it just now. So it's gotta be true.'

I haven't been on a date in awhile. I went on maybe two dates in my whole life.

It would've been amazing [to work as programmer]. You're good at numbers, you're good with people, you like to wear shorts in the summertime.