I was relying on a kind of natural transition - the transitions made by someone who is slightly deranged.
Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one likes oneself.
When you lose someone, a whole lot of perfectly normal circumstances suddenly take on different meaning. You see it in a different light. You wonder if they knew. I wondered. Doctors have told me that people do have a sense of their own approaching death.
We all survive more than we think we can.
Read, learn, work it up, go to the literature. Information is control.
Somehow writing has always seemed to me to have an element of performance.