I was never accepted into certain parts of New England society because my grandfather was an Irish barkeep.

There are only two realities in life: death and laughter. We can do nothing to change the former, so we might as well do all we can to save the latter.

There are three things in life which are real: God, human folly and laughter. Since the first two are beyond our comprehension, we must do what we can with the third.

The most ideal approach to advance is the way of opportunity.

If I don't have a woman every three days or so I get a terrible headache.

If I had to live my life over again, I would have a different father, a different wife and a different religion.

It takes two to make peace.