I am not in 'Us Weekly.' I'd have to be going out with someone who is in there to be in there myself.

The outcome of a still veracitless life. Am I livin' it right?

I don't jerk off because I'm horny. I'm sort of half-chick. It's like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon. No, I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It's like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself.

The minute hand moves faster than you think it does.

You gotta be able to explain things to yourself when the lights go off and you get in the bed. You gotta deal with you at the end of the day.

Ladies, if you want to know the way to my heart... good spelling and good grammar, good punctuation, capitalize only where you are supposed to capitalize, it's done.

I'll never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it.