I'm just used to leaving and being like, "I feel like I wasted their time and I definitely wasted my own time." I often leave auditions thinking that that person is now permanently mad at me.

I'm just used to leaving and being like, "I feel like I wasted their time and I definitely wasted my own time." I often leave auditions thinking that that person is now permanently mad at me.

I came to the realization that I started dating my now-wife junior year of college, before you actually went on a date. You didn't take girls from college out to dinner. I've never been on a date. I've never been on a date where I didn't know the end game. I've never casually dated someone. I've only been out to dinner with the woman who would eventually be my wife.

To improv-nerd-out for a second, it's like the most aggressive yes-anding you can do - if someone's like, "Yeah, you're super thin, right?" And you just pull that into a character and do seven more episodes of the podcast and remember to bring that up.

I feel like a lot of people talk about in rom-coms, there's the female best friend. There's all those archetypes in rom-coms. But even among a movie about man-children hanging out, there is always the one who's often the fat one, often the one with the beard, who is like the man-childest of them all. He's the one that eventually meets the fat girl or the quirky girl of the girl group of friends and really hits it off.

Tumblr has a big community of bears and bear chasers. All my favorites on Tumblr and all the fan mail I get is all like, "We want to tickle you! What size shoe are you?" They're all like really big, heavyset, bearded guys who are like, "I want to ride your face like a motorcycle!"

There are some women and a lot of dudes who are into my look, but I need to convey that I'm funny ahead of time. That's how I got laid. Every girl I've ever been with is because I was funny, not because they were into a 300-pound bearded, pale dudes.