I just have a real problem with people who seek to portray fatness or thinness as moral concepts.

Tears are sometimes an inappropriate response to death. When a life has been lived completely honestly, completely successfully, or just completely, the correct response to death's perfect punctuation mark is a smile.

Transsexualism is, basically, just another, more drastic twist on the male menopause.

I jest, of course; premature ejaculation isn't a laughing matter for anyone, except for your friends when you tell them about it on the phone the next morning. My first marriage ended because the main event was invariably over before my husband got his socks off.

I almost choke on my popcorn when I hear film stars, who walk on red carpets as much as the rest of us do on zebra crossings, criticising youngsters who crave fame.

Whenever I am sent a new book on the lively arts, the first thing I do is look for myself in the index.

It may be a cliché, but it's true - the build-up to Christmas is so much more pleasurable than the actual day itself.