After all that, you would think daughter would want to spend time with me, but she's busy. I get it.

Every woman needs to think about her career above everything. And I'll say it again...Kate [Siegel] is unemployed.

I have proven a danger to both myself and those around me when carrying these weapons. I'm extraordinarily clumsy.

I'll say this again: Her presence would be the best Mother's Day gift I could ever ask for. I know Kate Siegel a big bestselling author now, but I was sliced, no, ripped open from my boobs down to my baby cannon to bring her into this world, all but bathed in her puke for years, and acted as her own personal chauffeur for the first sixteen years of her life.

I do have health insurance (don't fine me, [Barack] Obama!). And while we agree that career is important, my mother has an AOL email address and shares articles she finds interesting on Facebook by screen shotting and posting a picture of them. So, if mother doesn't understand links, she's not going to understand what I do for a living. I'm confident in my current career trajectory, so this will be another Mother's Day disappointment.

My daughter lives in an apartment (hovel) in Brooklyn, so disgusting the roaches don't even bother hiking up the four flights of stairs to her door. Did I mention that she has a family of mice living under her stove? If she would promise to carry a weapon in her bag, I would never ask her to visit again. Best Mother's Day gift I could ask for!

The last thing I need is for daughter to move back into my basement and become another unemployed millennial statistic. Would love for her to get a job at Facebook. Become the president of Google.