I bowled for two years in college, because I was drunk and needed shoes.

I bowled for two years in college, because I was drunk and needed shoes.

The bus scares me. Way too many gross people on the bus. Sixty-five people on the bus and I was the last one on. I felt like calling Unsolved Mysteries. 'Yeah, I found everybody.

I always give homeless people money, and my friends yell at me, 'He's only going to buy more alcohol and cigarettes.' And I'm thinking, 'Oh, like I wasn't?'

People entertain me more than I entertain them.

I don't really write jokes. I wait for stuff to happen in life, and then I tell it on stage.

I would like to be an FBI profiler. I'm fascinated with psychology, but I wouldn't want to deal with people and their problems in my office. I like to figure them out from afar, narrow a case down, figure it out, but it sounds like a lot of science.