You know, I think the main purpose of the Army, Navy, and Marine Corps is to get poor Americans into clean, pressed, unpatched clothes, so rich Americans can stand to look at them.

My own feeling is that if adultery is wickedness then so is food. Both make me feel so much better afterward.

I am a very bad scientist. I will do anything to make a human being feel better, even if it's unscientific. No scientist worthy of the name could say such a thing.

The two real political parties in America are the Winners and the Losers. The people don't acknowledge this. They claim membership in two imaginary parties, the Republicans and the Democrats, instead.

My soul seemed as foul as smoke from burning cat fur.

This is what I find encouraging about the writing trades: ... They allow lunatics to seem saner than sane.

There's almost nothing like native Midwesterner anywhere else in the world, except in Asia. They're miracles all in themselves.