i think of all the thousands of billions of steps and missteps and chances and coincidences that have brought me here. Brought you here, and it feels like the biggest miracle in the world.

Everyone just wasting time because they have so much of it to waste, minutes slipping by on who's with who and did you hear.

In my head I try and reach back, through the fence, past the smoke; I try and grab his hand and pull. Alex, come back. There is nothing to do but sink. The hours close around me, encase me completely, like a tomb.

The thing is, you don't get to know. It's not like you wake up with a bad feeling in your stomach. You don't see shadows where there shouldn't be any. You don't remember to tell your parents you love them or--in my case--remember to say good-bye to them at all.

I'd rather die on my own terms than live on theirs. I'd rather die loving Alex than live without him.

The old Lena is dead.

I am now officially married to Fred Hargrove. Nothing will ever be the same.