If you cannot stand a spoon upright in the cup, then the coffee is too weak.

To say I drank my way into marriage isn't much of an exaggeration, and it's none at all to say I drank my way out of it.

Everybody's weird, fundamentally everybody is a snap. Sometimes it's a sexual thing and sometimes it's a different kind of weirdness, but one way or another everybody's nuts.

Back then, before it became clear that democracy was best served by a drunken electorate, the bars in New York City were required to close on Election Day.

Why on earth should I care whether people read me with their eyes or their ears?

When you get older, keeping the private stuff private seems less important.

If fate sends you a lemon, use it to make lemonade.