I would go to work from 9 to 6, go home, nap for two hours, then write from 8 to 2 a.m.

I didn't tell him I was a virgin, just that I hadn’t done it “that much.” It hurt a little more than I'd expected but in a different way, and he was nervous too and he never came. Afterwards we lay there and talked, and I could tell he was a really nice person. I commended myself for making a healthy, albeit hasty, partner choice. I really couldn't wait to tell my mom.

The people accusing me of being productive don't know how hard it is for me to just bend my elbow sometimes.

Guys warning girls not to fall in love with them is so truly douchey that it should have a higher success rate.

I don’t really read reviews… That’s not where my attention goes.

I never sort of thought of myself as a comedy writer, by nature.

I think breakfast is the one meal when you don't have to eat animal, maybe.