The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.
His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine.
My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.
Oh Death where is thy sting! It has none. But life has.
A joke, even if it be a lame one, is nowhere so keenly relished or quickly applauded as in a murder trial.
It was the most earnest ambition I ever had....Not that I ever really wanted to be a preacher, but because it never occurred to me that a preacher could be damned. It looked like a safe job.