I am content to be a bric-a-bracker and a Ceramiker.

I have seen an entire family lifted out of poverty and into affluence by the simple boon of a broken leg. I have had people come to me on crutches, with tears in their eyes, to bless this beneficient institution. In all my experiences of life, I have seen nothing so seraphic as the look that comes into a freshly mutilated man's face when he feels in his vest pocket with his remaining hand and finds his accident ticket all right.

I knew a man who grabbed a cat by the tail and learned forty percent more about cats than the man who didn't.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

Our lives, our liberty, and our property are never in greater danger than when Congress is in session.

Scientists have odious manners, except when you prop up their theory; then you can borrow money off them.

The critic's symbol should be the tumble-bug: he deposits his egg in somebody else's dung, otherwise he could not hatch it.