He awoke at six, as usual. He needed no alarm clock. He was already comprehensively alarmed.

Your purpose when driving is not to arrive at your destination safely or quickly. Your purpose when driving is...to impress your personality on the road.

I am easily moved to tears and rarely survive a visit to the cinema without shedding them, racked, as I am, by the most perfunctory, meretricious or even callously sentimental attempts at poignancy (something about the exterior of the human face, so vast and palpable, with the eyes and the lips: it is all writ too large for me, too immediate for me.)

My 12-year-old daughter said to me, "Enough with the subtitles, Daddy, for crying out loud." Because they always seem to cloud the issue rather than clarify it.

My belief is that everything that's written about you is actually secondary showbiz nonsense, and you shouldn't take any notice of it.

[On STDs] This be Nature’s way of recommending monogamy.

When success happens to an English writer, he acquires a new typewriter. When success happens to an American writer, he acquires a new life.