Men love a joke - on the other fellow. But your really humorous woman loves a joke on herself.

That is the tragedy of growing old, Chris. You don't leave the world. It leaves you.

Used to move so much, every time the chickens saw the team put in the wagon, they'd lie down on their backs and hold their legs up to be tied!

there is something shameful about the death of a play. It does not die with pity, but contempt. A book may fail, but who is there to know it? It dies and is buried, and is decently interred on the bookseller's shelf; but the play dies to laughter, to scorn and disdain.

The one pleasure that never palls is the pleasure of not going to church.

What a tragedy it was that the only thing age could offer to youth was its own experience, and that the experiences of others were never profitable.

Courage was America's watchword, but a courage of the body rather than of the soul - physical courage, not moral.