When you are mad, mad like this, you don't know it. Reality is what you see. When what you see shifts, departing from anyone else's reality, it's still reality to you.
Marya HornbacherIn our absence, the violet early evening light pours in the bay window, filling the still room like water poured into a glass. The glass is delicate. The thin, tight surface of the liquid light trembles. But it does not break. Time does not pass. Not yet.
Marya HornbacherThe fact that you were essentially dead does not register until you begin to come alive.
Marya HornbacherThis is the very boring part of eating disorders, the aftermath. When you eat and hate that you eat. And yet of course you must eat. You donโt really entertain the notion of going back. You, with some startling new level of clarity, realize that going back would be far worse than simply being as you are. This is obvious to anyone without an eating disorder. This is not always obvious to you.
Marya HornbacherThe joy is an absurd yellow tulip, popping up in my life, contradicting all the evidence that shows it should not be there.
Marya HornbacherBear in mind, people with eating disorders tend to be both competitive and intelligent. We are incredibly perfectionistic. We often excel in school,athletics,artistic pursuits. We also tend to quit without warning. Refuse to go to school,drop out,quit jobs,leave lovers,move,lose all our money. We get sick of being impressive. Rather,we tire of having to seem impressive. As a rule,most of us never really believed we were any good in the first place.
Marya Hornbacher