Enjoy how sweet, how thoughtful, how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap.

One thing I can guarantee you. You may not be a great deal wiser from my talk today, but you will be a great deal older.

Enjoy how sweet, how thoughtful, how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap.

If the audience knows what's behind the door and the actor does not, that's comedy. If both the audience and the actor do not know, that's mystery!

I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm, talent, and wit. Unfortunately, he couldn't be here tonight, so instead . . .

I sort of feel like Cindy Crawford's new husband on their wedding night. I know what's expected of me. I'm just not sure I've got the ability to make it interesting.

I have a serious investment problem. I have no money.