This is your life, Larry. Learn to enjoy what you've got.

The standing ovation threw me. ... To be held in such regard in a town so full of talent is quite something.

You cannot have one bathroom. And it don't matter how much you love your wife and everything, 'cause you wind up with no room at all. You just get a little corner and you've got a toothbrush and your paste and a shaving brush and a razor. And you can never get in there. So you must have two bathrooms. You really must. I think it's essential.

My understanding of women goes only as far as the pleasures.

I'm a frustrated stand-up comic. If you hand me a microphone and I get one laugh, then I'll go on for 20 minutes.

And to Tom Cruise, for if you had won this, your asking price would have gone down so fast. Do you have any idea what supporting actors get paid? We get only one trailer, a small one, in the back.

If you're blond, as I am, and you have blond lashes, you have to wear mascara, otherwise you're invisible on stage.