I went to college because I felt like I was supposed to. I graduated from public high school and I did all the things that I was supposed to do.

I've never dated. I can say this honestly: I don't know what it's like to date. But also, how am I going to date? I'm not in one state long enough.

I really, truly believe in learning from other people's mistakes.

I think the second you think that you're funny is when you stop being funny.

In a marriage, you and your partner come first. And unless you and your partner are happy, that kid's never going to be happy.

I will say this, though, in regards to laundry. I'll say, "Do you need to wear a new pair of jeans every day?" We've worked on this for the past year and he [Ashton Kutcher] now doesn't need to wear a clean pair of jeans every day. My laundry has gotten cut down immensely.

I think you can get away with so much more offensiveness when you're operating behind a stuffed teddy bear or a cartoon or something that's not real, because it's forgiven. It's like having a little kid in a movie curse - it's funny because it's not natural.