I think I have a good sense of humor, but I'm not, like, a joke-teller. I get the jokes, which is sometimes half the battle. Believe me, I have no idea why anyone hires me.

Have a baby, and you realize: The second you think you got sh-t figured out, you don't. It's the greatest wake-up call.

Chivalry is not dead and you should be a gentleman. But if you are going to buy a girl a drink, buy it. Don't just offer it. Follow through.

People strive to achieve a certain form of perfection constantly and it's impossible because it's a form of opinion. I can think someone is pretty but the person next to me can think that they're unattractive.

Children are f - king crazy. They're also suicidal.

You can’t get mad at a bear for being racist. You can’t get mad at a bear for being offensive. It’s not real.

I don't necessarily put on an act when I go on Jay Leno or dress differently in public than I do in private. I'd like to think I'm the same person, more or less.