We're cognizant, curious beings, capable of philosophical thought, nuclear physics, repeating Nerf weapons, global consciousness, Glade air fresheners, and sentient automobiles. But we're assholes first.

My career is inexplicable to me. So far I've just been not getting fired despite being myself.

The world is split into two halves: the bacon, and the bacon eaters.

No one will ever ask me to sing because it's beautiful. My secret is hiding my musicianship behind humor.

I awaken. I consume oxygen, then bacon, eggs and black coffee, then my wife, then bacon.

Being a man of the theater and a hedonist, I find the idea of building coffins very romantic.

Of course smartphones are brilliant inventions, but the nefarious thing about Twitter and other social media is that it starts to fill all the gaps in your day. I quickly become an addict.