We're cognizant, curious beings, capable of philosophical thought, nuclear physics, repeating Nerf weapons, global consciousness, Glade air fresheners, and sentient automobiles. But we're assholes first.

There's a lot of common sense ... which I feel like we have lost touch with.

I have a wonderfully hedonistic appetite, and if I wasn't really strict with myself, I'd weigh 300 pounds. I'm not good with moderation.

Don't use barbiturates before going on stage. And be honest.

I grew up among farmers in Illinois and so you always have to have the tools you might need in the eventuality of a flat tire or a broken window.

Damn it all, you have been given a life on this beautiful planet! Get off your ass and do something!

The fact that I have a job that people even watch is an incredible gift.