I’m really not interested in women as victims. Look at me, I get the last laugh ‘cause I get to be funny about it.

The odd thing about this form of communication is you're more likely to talk about nothing than something. But I just want to say that all this nothing has meant more to me than so many... somethings. So, thanks.

My mother wanted us to understand that the tragedies of your life one day have the potential to be comic stories the next.

I am living in the Google years, no question of that. And there are advantages to it. When you forget something, you can whip out your iPhone and go to Google. The Senior Moment has become the Google moment, and it has a much nicer, hipper, younger, more contemporary sound, doesn't it? By handling the obligations of the search mechanism, you almost prove you can keep up.... You can't retrieve you life (unless you're on Wikipedia, in which case you can retrieve an inaccurate version of it).

Black makes your life so much simpler. Everything matches black, especially black.

I look as young as a person can look given how old I am.

When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.