If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of the cup.

Teenagers don't know what love is. They have mixed-up ideas. They go for a drive and the boy runs out of gas and they smooch a little and the girl says she loves him. That isn't love. Love is when you are married twenty-five years, smooching in your living room and he runs out of gas and she says she still loves him. That's love.

My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Why do Canadians like to do it doggie style? So they can both keep watching the hockey game

All's fair if you have a really good attorney.

I met Elvis first in Las Vegas. I think I was appearing with Tom Jones and he came backstage to say hello to Tom or we went to his dressing room to say hello.