I pledge to support the American workforce by wearing only American designers: Calvin Klein between Memorial Day and Labor Day, Donna Karan the rest of the year. Unless I wake up and the day is screaming for me to put on a bikini for my fellow Americans. Country first.

Yes, I've kissed a lot of guys. I like to kiss, but that's it. I don't go home with anyone. I sleep with my animals, like my baby monkey, Brigitte Bardot.

I got my eye on you boy, and when I get my eye on something, it's like search and destroy.

I play dumb like Jessica Simpson plays dumb. But we know exactly what we're doing. We're smart blondes.

Not every heiress is famous. Or fun. There are a lot of boring heiresses out there.

If I'll be a President the inaugural balls will be replaced with an inaugural Rock Band party. For expert-level players only. Don't even think about getting on drums. I play drums.

I won't have a cabinet as a President; I will have a closet. A giant walk-in closet with all styles of advisers, like Michael Kors, Kanye West, Diane von Furstenberg, Naughty by Nature, Stephen Hawking, Madonna, Karl Lagerfeld, and, of course, Tinkerbell.