Middle names are kind of like vice presidents: It's a fine distinction and certainly an honor, but you're never not aware that someone else got the real job.

The most challenging part of being a dad is trying to postpone the moment when they realize you don't know anything. I love any sentence that begins with Daddy...? because it's implied they're looking up to you - that you'll have the answer. The truth is, I don't have any answers.

Marriage is just an elaborate game that allows two selfish people to periodically feel that they're not.

You know, the fact that every morning you get a script in your mailbox, that's going to stop. All these little pedestrian, mundane things. And the cash.

There are two types of people in life - those who get it and those who don't.

You know what? The obvious is obvious for a reason.

Our date-nightrule is no talking about the kids. That lasts about to the end of the driveway.