I think gay people are like blondes: There're fewer of them but they have more fun.

I'm beginning to feel that the real endangered species on planet earth are not the whales and the elephants but those of us who can laugh at the world and ourselves. ... I fear the dry turn of the American mind, this focus on the literal, as much as I fear our capacity for self-destruction. We've become hagridden by facts, obsessed with product instead of process. Where's the energetic wit, the looney outlook, the frivolity, the lightness of comforting laughter? It has become fashionable to know and unfashionable to feel, and you can't really laugh if you can't feel.

I hate the telephone. I think the lowest circle of hell is reserved for Alexander Graham Bell.

Hollywood called just as I crested thirty. My novels did not and still do not interest them, but my writing ability did.

Two wrongs don't make a right. No, but three will get you back on the freeway!

I mean, what do people talk about when they're married?" "Their kids, I guess." "Maybe that's all they have in common.

Adjectives are the curse of America.