Ideal women: 36-24-36, five foot seven, flat spot on top of the head, deaf mute. The flat spot on the top of the head is for your drink.

If you listen to Barack Obama, if you listen to Hillary Clinton, they're portraying Donald Trump as this deep, dark, dividing, dank presence that sees America as dwindling away and failing and everybody's in bad shape. They think they're the paragons of optimism.

The only time there's gonna be a transgender bathroom in the White House is during a gay rights ceremony. You know as well as I do that that's not going to happen.

If gay marriage is a real thing, gay infertility must be a real thing. It's not fair. I mean, it wasn't fair they couldn't get married, and now it's not fair that they can't have babies, even though they're not infertile, that doesn't matter. And so there must be access to infertility insurance for married gay couples, if our culture and if our society is to be fair and equal for one and all, and it is coming, and don't laugh about it.

Honestly, folks, it's always reprogramming men. It's always men who seem to provide or be at the root of all of these cultural problems. And if we could just make men less like men and more like, I guess, women, then we would be rid of all of these problems.

There's been cultural rot since there's been culture.

There's a big difference in Trump and previous Republicans. They have a strategy known as surrender. When the media starts coming after 'em and the Democrats come after 'em, the Republicans, "Okay, okay, okay." Trump says, "What? What?" And just keeping plowing they had and then impugning 'em, laughing at 'em, making fun of 'em with his tweets and so forth.