Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories: those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with gourmet status.

Research is a scientific activity dedicated to discovering what makes grass green.

Journalism was being whittled away by a Wall Street theory that profits can be maximized by minimizing the product.

The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him.

Grass is the least rewarding of all status symbols... The grass does nothing but drink money, exhaust energies, crush spirits, destroy sleep, create tensions and interfere with the watching of baseball games, and sprout insolent signs ordering humans to keep off it.

When you're the only pea in the pod, your parents are likely to get you confused with the Hope diamond.