A Halloween-haired, Sachsgate-enacting, estuary-whining, glitter-lacquered, priapic berk How dare I, from my velvet chaise longue, in my Hollywood home like Kubla Khan, drag my limbs from my harem to moan about the system? A system that has posited me on a lilo made of thighs in an ocean filled with honey and foie gras'd my Essex arse with undue praise and money.

I want to change the world, and do something valuable and beautiful. I want people to remember me before I'm dead, and then more afterwards.

Today's 'Sesame Street' will NOT be brought to you by the number 34 or the letter D.

My mum brought me up on her own. All we really had was each other.

Democracy is a gleaming Excalibur - let's not use it just to mend the toaster.

Tumbling into a dark, Lewis Carroll labyrinth of filth, pursuing a white rabbit of smut!

All we can do is adapt the way we view this condition, not as a crime or a romantic affectation but as a disease that will kill. We need to review the way society treats addicts, not as criminals but as sick people in need of care.